Ever wanted to make someone pay for the way they’ve treated you?
For the neglect or the misunderstandings or the not recognizing your value?
Or for the divorce or the other woman or the 2am text messages after weeks of radio silence?
And somewhere hoped… deep down… that your anger would cause them to soften and love you more?
If you haven’t, you’re a more saintly being than I am… or you’re afraid to admit it (come on… I won’t tell anyone).
At our core, we’re pretty animal-y animals.
And part of that is the temptation to rage when trampled.
And, maybe you can relate to the feeling of wanting to rage at a man who you want to love you the way you want to be loved.
I’ve definitely felt that way.
And while I haven’t actually expressed rage very often, I’ve DEFINITELY given a man the cold shoulder.
Or gotten super hypercritical.
Or started nitpicking about how he did the laundry.
or given him a ration of crap about why he left that text on read… whatever.
It never was about THE thing though. It’s always about something else.
It’s always, and I mean ALWAYS about the meaning you make about it.
And, before I explain, let me tell you what I am NOT saying right now.
I’m NOT saying that you aren’t entitled to whatever feelings, emotions or energy you’re feeling in your body.
I’m NOT saying that anyone else is blameless or doesn’t have responsibility for their actions.
Be as angry as you want– I’m not going to come to your house and invalidate you.
Alright. With that said– hear me out.
That anger, pain, fear and hurt you feel when you want to tell him off is a symptom.
And that symptom tells me exactly how highly you value yourself in that moment. And, unfortunately it’s not much.
Not because of some “empowerment anger” bullshit either.
If you weren’t telling yourself what he’s showing you means you aren’t worthy, you wouldn’t feel bad.
Like, at all.
You see, insult is an inside job.
Here’s an example.
Say you tell me something that I know is incorrect about myself.
Maybe you even INTEND to insult me.
Because I know what you said is false– no matter how you deliver the message, it’s not going to be very upsetting.
It’ll most likely be funny or mildly upsetting. I’d want to straighten out the misunderstanding or try to talk you out of it gently. There’s not enough negative energy there since I know what you said is false.
But say… that mean thing you said is something I’ve been telling MYSELF (to myself) as an insult since I was in preschool.
It’s like you read my mind. And it isn’t good.
That’s going to sting, right?
The things that create the most fear and pain are always the ones we’ve been clutching somewhere deep and close.
Abandonment DEFINITELY hurts when you are hoping for someone to show you they love you. I’m not going to pretend that getting dumped or cheated on or betrayed another way doesn’t completely suck.
But what hurts most is when YOU abandon you.
Once (and if) that concept really lands for you and becomes part of your DNA, then you truly have OPTIONS with that man.
You can actually make a strategy to improve your relationship.
You can make a REAL decision about whether you want him in your life.
You can do things that attract him instead of turn him off.
…And feel great instead of obsessing over the tone in his text messages or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You don’t feel bad OR want to rage when you realize what you’re telling YOU about yourself is the real reason it hurts.
It’s the meaning you make about what he’s doing that hurts and makes you want to defend yourself.
If you tell yourself that his behavior is a SIGN he’s going to leave, that’s also going to hurt.
You know that guilty feeling, like you’re “superior” or know better which is what made you want to rage in the first place?
That’s your ego saying some version of “HELLO and WHY THE HELL AM I NOT BEING CHERISHED? I could die here alone.”
But you won’t die alone– especially when you use that pain for powers of good.
Because now you have options.