WARNING: this deeply personal story includes intimate, personal medical details. Then I get political. If you choose to keep reading, strap in for a wild ride.
A few months after my ex husband dropped the bomb about wanting a divorce– I was flooded with relief.
Not because I did not love him. In fact, at the time I still wanted him back.
I was relieved because I was finally ready to admit a fundamental truth about myself.
I don’t want to raise children of my own. Not then, not now, not ever.
I hadn’t even wanted to admit this to myself because I thought it made me broken, wrong or somehow defective. I thought no one would love me if I admitted the truth.
I looked at creating children as an unavoidable consequence of modern married life. Somewhere along the way, I started thinking my “duty” as a good wife was to raise children.
So… despite my giant, glaring doubts, we got married with the agreement that we would start a family afterwards.
When I was 18, I was a nanny for 3 girls under the age of 5.
As the only latchkey kid of two busy, working parents, this was an eye opening experience that I never forgot.
The girls were genuinely delightful, as small children can often be.
But I realized that the title of “Mother” was a much, much different position than the sugary sweet concept I had picked up from after school specials.
I got a teeny-tiny window into how bone-grindingly difficult parenting was and didn’t want to opt in.
The mother I was a nanny for had started her family in her early 20’s. She was not much older than me, maybe 25-27. Like me, she was trying to work and put herself through college.
She never let on if she was ever happy, but the exhaustion was impossible for her to hide.
I did the job for a few years before she took a step back from school and tried to focus on raising her children.
The experience made me deeply suspect that having kids of my own wasn’t going to spark joy in the long run.
Also, over the years, I had serious trouble with various forms of birth control. Hormones made me sick, and physical barrier methods were a mixed bag. But I was thankful I had the opportunity and resources to make my own choices.
By the time I got married, I had spent so much time, effort, pain and suffering trying to prevent pregnancy that NOT having to worry about birth control felt like a definite benefit to tying the knot.
However, it didn’t take long before my ex husband and I were making each other so miserable that having children was the least of our worries.
Despite our differences, I was still devastated when he told me he wanted a divorce.
But like I mentioned, I also felt as though I had another chance at creating the life I really wanted.
Newly single, when I created my fresh, new online dating profiles, I proudly selected each service’s version of childfree. If selecting it wasn’t possible, then I put it in the bio section. I wondered if anyone would be interested.
Shortly thereafter, I met my current partner.
I had never met someone who was so crystal clear about not wanting children.
He had owned up to this truth about himself in his early 20’s and had opted for a vasectomy while still married to his ex wife.
He was the breath of fresh air I hadn’t realized I wanted.
Then… 7 months after we started dating, he broke up with me. It was brutal–but the silver lining was undeniable.
Because I had finally allowed myself to be loved exactly the way I am, I learned it was possible. The experience cleared a debt of imagined unworthiness I had been carrying around since I was small.
I decided to never sell myself out by settling or pretending I’m someone I’m not, ever again.
I found a well-regarded OB/GYN willing to sterilize a mid-30’s, single woman without previous children and scheduled my appointment to get my fallopian tubes removed since this reduces the risk of future ovarian cancer.
The surgery was not smooth. What was supposed to be a 20 minute procedure turned into a 4 hour ordeal.
I had no idea, but I had bad endometriosis and my right ovary was full of non-cancerous tumors. For years, it had been silently growing to the size of a baseball.
My doctor was shocked and found himself suddenly doing a completely different procedure than the one we had originally planned.
When I woke up from anesthesia, he was hovering over me, ready to share what he had found and fixed. He wondered how I didn’t already know that my insides were such a mess.
I had no idea.
He explained that my ovary was a ticking time-bomb. If the tumors had burst, I would have only had a little time to get life-saving surgery.
If I had gotten pregnant, it would have been risky because of the endometriosis and how much space my ovary was already taking up.
This entire, lucky experience was only possible because I had access to excellent health care.
Because I had no idea my reproductive health was in such a bad state, getting pregnant could have risked my life. This is above and beyond the usual, significant risk which pregnancy already represents.
Permanent birth control was my choice, but having serious health problems, just waiting to be discovered was not.
At the time, I was living in Missouri– one of the United States that had trigger laws in place to completely remove the right to abortion the minute that Roe v. Wade was overturned on June 24, 2022.
I understand my story doesn’t involve me trying to get an abortion and not having it available as an option. But it easily could have been if things had gone differently.
There are millions of women with stories about their health that make mine look like a happy fairy tale. And ones for whom pregnancy is a mortal risk.
And still others for whom the decision to give birth is not a welcome one.
I don’t care about any of these women’s reasons for accessing health care, getting an abortion or otherwise taking charge of their OWN bodies.
After all, I almost denied myself the choice because of simple fear and indecision. I am horrified for others for whom this is life threatening right now.
I will not stand by and watch silently because we have entered a dark age in The United States with less human rights than our mothers and grandmothers.
A woman’s right to make decisions about her health is a basic human right that has been repealed by a minority.
I don’t care what gender you identify as. This affects you, even if you don’t own a uterus. Someone you care about most likely does.
Here’s my call to action
Since this war has been fought in court, I’ve donated to The Center For Reproductive Rights and plan to continue.
Their entire mission is to get lawyers to support reproductive rights around the world. They have been vetted by Charity Navigator and given 4 stars.
Donate to The Center For Reproductive Rights here
Giving and volunteering at Planned Parenthood is another way to support women’s health. They’ve also been fighting the LONG fight for women’s reproductive health in the United States.
Donate to Planned Parenthood here
If you are a citizen of the United States, please get in touch with your local elected officials.
Resistbot is a simple, free way to get in touch with your elected officials if you aren’t sure where to start. They are super easy to sign up with and you can automate your connection to your elected officials.
Get out and VOTE to do your part to help elect officials who support human rights.
If you don’t live in the United States or happen to have money, time, or bandwidth but you feel touched by this– please forward it to someone else who might.
No matter what you do, please take this message in.
Because if this doesn’t affect you now, it might someday.
Thank you very much for your time and attention.
Sending love,
Elizabeth Stone
