Recently I told one of my clients to put his relationship first.

Understandably this seemed to conflict with my earlier suggestion to put himself first when they weren’t together.

To me, there was no conflict, but I could see where he was stuck.

“How do I do that?” he said genuinely. “How does that work?”

Here’s what I told him.

So right now, when you’re with her, you’re in the habit of entertaining all this unhelpful problem-focused thought about how to please her, how to do the relationship right, who is to blame, what your recent separation means, and the gap between how your marriage is going versus how you want it to go.

Plus every other stray thought that shows up on the movie screen of your mind.

It’s exhausting, unhelpful and it’s ruining your life.

It’s no wonder your relationship is not working.

I’m not surprised that any time you see her, she keeps saying “things aren’t the same” and pulling further and further away.

Being with you while you’re distracted by all of your imaginary judgements about the situation doesn’t feel good. At all.

All these deep discussions about the relationship you keep having are not helping because it’s as though you’re wearing a beehive on your head and trying to drive a car.

Your mind is noisy, the whole thing feels uncomfortable and you seem very distracted to everyone else on the road.

All of this gets in the way of building (and repairing) genuine connection.

Deep presence is often the first thing to go when we start noticing relationship issues.

Particularly when there is conflict with someone else, the noise in our heads often becomes so loud that it drowns out everything else– including those we most dearly want to get along with.

Then as things start going sideways, we find ourselves focusing more and more on our displeasure, neediness and assorted thoughts about them and the relationship.

“Problem solving” i.e. “working on the relationship” almost always gets in the way of deep presence and connection until we start agreeing with each other and understanding, which tends to disarm everyone and brings us closer.

That’s why it can seem like problem solving is helpful. But it’s a mirage.

In fact, Dr. John Gottman’s research has found that almost 70% of problems in a relationship are unsolvable and couples most often fight about nothing.

Nothing. Seriously.

If– instead of indulging in all this problem solving thought, we attend to others with deep presence and connection, we find that we don’t need so much problem solving.

It’s easier to hear and be heard when we lean in and listen instead of flinch. Our hearts open and we feel connected to each other.

When I say put the relationship first, I mean for you to put as much of your focus and attention on her as possible when she’s interacting with you.

Even when she’s saying or doing something you don’t agree with.

Make being fully present with her your first priority instead of entertaining all your thoughts about her or anything else.

When it seems like your turn to speak, don’t allow any stray anxiety thoughts to come out of your mouth.

Don’t try to change her mind about you. Don’t think ABOUT her or yourself and just be with her now. Really listen to her. Say less and listen to HER more.

Do this as long and deeply as you can.

That kind of presence is your most precious asset and it’s absent from your relationship as long as you stay caught up in thought.

Deep connection– and by extension, love– are built while we innocently lose our minds in someone else’s presence.

Most relationship problems are thought problems. And they’re solved effortlessly, now, with an open, empty mind.

Do that first and you won’t have relationship problems to solve.

If this resonates with you and think I might be able to help, check out my current offerings here.