“Perhaps you should get your feet wet with a little more failure.” –Charlie Munger

One Tuesday morning, years before I dared to call myself a love and relationship coach or relationship consultant I was sitting in front of my computer noodling.

At the time, I was most focused on writing and building Attract The One.

It was one of those days when productivity was tricky. I wasn’t really writing anything, and I wasn’t achieving much either.

An email subject line popped into my inbox that simply said, “Please help?”

The email writer wanted my help with an urgent relationship problem she was having. At the end of her story, she said she wanted to talk on the phone and asked my hourly rate for coaching.

I didn’t have an hourly rate for coaching.

I was afraid to talk to her.

But… something inside me wanted deeply to truly serve her. To help as best I could.

So I wrote back and gave her my highest and best advice about the problem she had described in her email. I ignored her question about my hourly rate or whether we could talk on the phone.

She responded right away and thanked me for what I said. Then she asked to talk again. This time her question sounded more like a demand.

“I will pay you over Paypal. Can you talk to me today at 1pm PST?” she said.

By this point, I had ignored requests like this for years.

People had been getting in touch on and off, asking for coaching since I began writing about relationships in 2011. Before that day I had usually not taken the whole idea seriously.

Maybe I was in a playful mood, or there was something about this particular woman that made me want to stretch. I’m not sure. 

Before I could talk myself out of it, I decided on an hourly rate and wrote back with my Paypal address and phone number.

Minutes later the money was in my account. She called me at 1pm sharp.

During the hour call, I did my very best to help her. I can’t remember exactly what I said because I went totally unconscious and started channeling whatever message wanted to come through me. It felt weird, but very, very right.

I heard myself saying things that had never occurred to me before. But I said them anyway.

When the hour was over, she told me she had experienced several ‘aha’ moments and wanted to talk again next week.

After we got off the phone, I realized the entire call was bliss. It was a peak experience that I’ve never forgotten.

Something about the connection, problem solving, and the chance to hold space for someone struggling with tough things I had been through myself tapped into something deep within me.

This was creative flow for me.

I had felt this feeling in the past every time someone in my life had come to me for help with their relationship. I just hadn’t called it coaching or looked at it as anything out of the ordinary.

But I got consistent feedback that the way I shared my ideas and experiences was helpful. It always felt amazing.

Now, I could stop this story here and announce, “this is how I became a love and relationship coach.” Which is partially true. This was the day I got paid money for coaching a stranger the very first time.

But this is not the whole story.

That was just a taste of what it felt like to consistently sit with others in this space.

To untangle the situation. To feel better. To inspire more magnetic and happy magic.

For years I resisted the burning desire to do this more often. I was afraid to share myself and deeply worried what I had to offer wasn’t good enough.

I would put something on my website that vaguely referred to what I offered but then I wouldn’t publish it on the front page.

I would share information and attract coaching clients, then I would “quit coaching” and start saying no to all coaching opportunities. I would learn all ABOUT coaching and then not do any coaching.

Then, the whole cycle would happen again.

I would get a referral from a friend. Or someone would show up who I just knew I could help.

Because I felt afraid and clueless, I was deeply afraid my gift was useless.

Except that wasn’t what people told me after we talked.

So, I felt stupid a lot. I admitted I had no idea what I was doing in real time… a lot. This went on for years.

Eventually I had a talk with a good friend who also happens to be an AWESOME coach and admitted I wanted to consistently work with more people 1:1 without shutting down or freaking out.

I don’t remember what she said, but I do remember how it felt to admit it all out loud.

Something about that talk made me realize that I had to actually DO a lot more coaching to earn the right to stop freaking myself out.

At the time, if Jesus Christ had come down from heaven and sincerely proclaimed me a master coach, I still wouldn’t have felt confident. The only way to earn confidence was to consistently show up and do the work.

Just like anything else I have ever fallen in love with and wanted to know everything about.

It’s a lot of DOING that produces mastery.

Mastery is not produced by “insecure thinking about yourself failing at doing the skill” or “learning about the skill.”

In fact, I’m all for learning ALL the things. Learning and curiosity have produced LOTS of joy in my life.

However, when it comes to skill, my time has always been much better spent doing something than learning ABOUT doing something.

It’s the same with love and relationships. Or anything else that felt inspiring to DO or CREATE.

Feeling awkward has always been part of the cost for me.

But when I have taken the risk, gotten out, had the hard talk or simply DID THE THING, the experience eclipses anything I’ve ever gotten from either intense study or idle googling.

Speedy action wins over perfect knowledge every time.

It’s human to have all kinds of thoughts about well… everything.

However, these thoughts just can’t get in the way of action.